When A Man Loves A Vulcan
by spooky-fbi
Summary: My ideas about how Kirk & Spock's relationship might have developed throughout the series and after the first movie. K/S slash.


"I love you."

It was such a small phrase, but Jim regretted saying it instantly. He hadn't meant to say it, it just slipped out. It was what Jim did. Whenever he had feelings for someone, he told them. A little over six years they had been doing this, and Jim had managed not to verbalise his feelings. For six years, they had been sharing a bed, and that had been enough.

It had started one night after a particularly draining mission, but Jim couldn't recall exactly what the mission had been. Spock had come to his quarters and quite logically detailed all of the reasons that the two of them should have sex. Jim still remembered each reason as vividly as if Spock had only said them moments ago.

"I am the logical choice for someone in your position, Captain. You're not the kind of person who would take a wife only to leave her and any children you may have together on some planet while you continue your Starfleet career, nor would you have any wish to subject them to the dangerous life you lead on the Enterprise. You cannot fraternise with members of your crew, as they are under your command and you cannot afford to let emotions interfere with the smooth running of the ship. Furthermore, you must appear to be above the common man in front of your crew. I am quite capable of discretion, and I do not have emotions to interfere with my duties. There is… there is also the fact that I find you aesthetically pleasing. And we have great trust in one another, a necessary component of any physical relationship."

The revelation that Spock found Jim 'aesthetically pleasing' had stood out far more than any other reason. Jim had certainly reciprocated that feeling long before that day. They had been playfully flirting, or at least Jim had, almost since Spock had first joined his crew, and Spock hadn't exactly spurned his advances. In the time they had spent together, Jim had learned to read between the lines of what Spock said. Whenever Spock had something emotional to say, he always couched it in logical arguments. Jim had known instantly that this was one of those times, and he couldn't have been more thrilled.

For a few months, Jim hadn't realized that Vulcan sexuality was far different than that of humans. On the nights that Spock had come to Jim's bed, or Jim to his, they had made love as any two human men would, and Jim had not given their differences in biology any further thought. Then he had learned about the pon-farr.

Even with Jim, Spock had been highly embarrassed to discuss Vulcan biology. But Jim felt incredibly privileged that Spock had shared such an intimate part of himself with Jim. So great was Spock's reluctance to divulge any more than he had to, that Jim took the Enterprise all the way to Vulcan and nearly got himself killed before learning that it had been possible for he himself to help Spock through his sexual cycle. That night, Jim had discovered ways of connecting with Spock that he never would have thought possible.

It had been about another two years before Jim had realized that he had lost all interest, both physically and emotionally, in anyone but Spock. In that time, Spock's visits to Jim's bed had become more and more frequent, until finally Spock simply stopped going to his own quarters at all, and item by item, had moved all of his things into Jim's quarters without either of them even noticing. Jim knew at that moment that he loved Spock, more than he had ever loved anyone in his entire life, or ever would. He could tell that Spock loved him back, in his own Vulcan way, but he also knew that Spock experienced great shame and embarrassment whenever he felt emotion. He had seen no reason, for the next four years, to bring either of their feelings to Spock's attention.

Until the night that he finally said the three words he'd been longing to say.

~.~.~.~.~

The Vulcan lying in his arms became suddenly very still, and Jim couldn't tell whether that was a good sign or a bad one. Spock rolled onto his back and stared pensively at the ceiling. It wasn't necessarily a bad sign, Jim told himself. Spock would often stop to process the emotions of others. Perhaps now he would start to find some logic in it?

When Spock finally turned his head to face Jim, he felt a tug of apprehension. Although his Science officer's expressions were always carefully guarded, Jim never had any trouble reading them. Spock's expression was sympathetic. "You know, Captain, that I can never reciprocate your feelings." He said matter-of-factly.

"I know." Jim was quick to insist.

Spock frowned, at least as much as Spock ever did frown. "Do you?" He stared at Jim for a few moments more, and Jim could almost hear his mind ticking, analysing, scrutinising. Then he suddenly got up and made his way to where his uniform was sprawled with Jim's on the recliner. He picked up his pants and pulled them on.

"You don't have to leave."

Spock paused and rested his hands by his sides, facing away from Jim. "I am… attempting to spare your feelings."

Jim sat up and leaned forward, summoning as much charm as he could muster in the hopes that Spock would turn around and make up some logical excuse for melting at the sight. "If you really wanted to spare my feelings, you'd stay."

Spock inhaled quickly as though he was about to say something, but instead he picked up his skivvy and blue over shirt and left without so much as a glance in Jim's direction.

Jim slowly lay back in his bed… their bed. His bed. It suddenly struck him just how large and cold it was.

~.~.~.~.~

"Captain, may I have a word with you?" Jim smiled. He knew Spock would come around eventually.

"What is it, Mr Spock?" he asked, leaning in his command chair nonchalantly, waiting for Spock to add the ever ominous _'in private'_ in a hushed whisper.

Instead, Spock stood next to his chair, his posture rigid, hands clasped behind his back. "I must return to Vulcan at your earliest possible convenience."

Jim grew worried. Spock had to be literally dying before he requested shore leave.

"Is anything the matter?"

Spock seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then made his expression neutral. "Simply that I have found my time on this ship has recently been hindering my ability to remain logical and perform my duties to the best of my ability."

Spock was being evasive. Normally, it didn't bother Jim at all, but if it was important… if Spock's life was in danger! It frustrated Jim that Spock couldn't simply tell him these things, Vulcan honor be damned! He cut through Spock's logic, hoping to get to the heart of the matter. "Well, I haven't noticed any decline in your quality of work."

"If I may say so, Captain, it is possible that due to our… friendship, you have a certain bias regarding myself and my work."

Jim frowned, incredulous. Spock's 'friendship', as he chose to call it, with Jim had afforded him some privileges, but Jim took his duty to his crew and the efficiency of all his crewmen very seriously. Jim knew for a fact that Spock's work was not suffering, and he knew exactly who to ask for a second opinion. "Bones, do you have anything to report on Spock? Anything affecting his efficiency? Any decline in his reaction times in his last evaluation?"

"Not a thing, Jim." Bones was already on the bridge, so he came over to them. "Of course, if you wanted, Spock, I could give you another physical."

Jim looked to Spock "There, would that be unbiased enough?"

Something about the way Spock lifted his eyebrows typified frustration, though the rest of his expression was blank. "Unnecessary, Doctor. Regardless, Captain, I must return to Vulcan."

"Spock, what is this about? Is it…" Jim leaned closer to Spock and lowered his voice, knowing how reluctant Spock was to discuss private Vulcan matters. "Is it to do with… _biology_?"

"It is to do with logic. Captain, I am not requesting temporary shore leave. It is my intention to leave Star Fleet and return to Vulcan indefinitely."

Jim felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. He could only stare at Spock, his jaw slack.

"What?" Bones exclaimed. "Spock, what in the damned hell are you talking about? You can't leave Star Fleet. Why, you're the only-"

"Bones." Jim lifted his hand to silence the Doctor, his eyes never leaving Spock.

"I have my reasons, Doctor," Spock said with a tilt of his head, "though I would not expect you to understand them, nor am I obliged to explain them to you."

"Spock" Jim all but whispered, his heart breaking at the thought of Spock leaving him indefinitely. He wanted to say more, but he didn't know what.

Spock's tone transformed instantly from cutting to gentle as he returned his attention to Jim. "I have made my decision, Captain. As you know, I am not given to irrational actions. My choice is logical"

"Oh, I have no doubt about that, Mr Spock" Jim said in a daze. Suddenly it occurred to him that what Bones had suggested might not be a bad idea. Just because Spock said it was unnecessary, didn't mean that it was. Jim had to be sure that Spock was ok. "On second thought, Bones I want you to give Spock a thorough physical."

"Captain-" Spock began to say, but Jim interrupted him.

"Now. That's an order."

~.~.~.~.~

"I don't know what to tell you, Jim." Bones said with a shrug. "I may not be an expert on Vulcan physiology, but as far as I can tell, he's in perfect health. Not to mention, still stubborn as a Hynerian mule. Wouldn't tell me a thing about this whole leaving Star Fleet to return to Vulcan business, not that I really expected him to."

"My decision does not affect you, Doctor." Spock chimed in.

"Yeah, well…" Bones grumbled. "Maybe not, but it sure as hell affects the Captain wouldn't you say, Mr Spock? If you had any humanity in you, you'd at least tell him what was going on."

Spock raised his eyebrow in, what was obvious to Jim, was amusement. "Then clearly Doctor, being Vulcan, I am not faced with that predicament."

Bones fumed. "Why, you green-blooded, pointy-eared…"

"Gentlemen." Jim interrupted. He felt a pang at the thought that this was yet another thing that he would miss if Spock really was serious about leaving. As much as Spock and Bones pretended to despise each other, he knew that they enjoyed these little fights of theirs just as much as he enjoyed watching them. It occurred to Jim that Bones was just as reluctant to lose Spock as he was. Jim sat down next to Spock on the sickbay bed. "Spock… what's really going on?"

"I have not lied to you, Captain."

"No, because you haven't told me anything." When Spock didn't respond, Jim ventured "At least tell me that you're not in any danger, that this isn't some… Vulcan hormonal thing that will kill you if we don't do what we're supposed to do."

"I'm not in any danger. The matter is not urgent."

Jim sighed with relief. He wanted desperately to ask Spock if his decision to leave had anything to do with last night, with what he had said, but he knew that Spock would never forgive him for hinting at their relationship in front of Bones. Even though Jim was sure that Bones had guessed about them years ago. Instead, he settled for asking another question "Why must you go to Vulcan? What is it you need to do there?"

"The Kolinahr."

"Kolinahr?" Jim repeated, glad to finally have some small titbit of information, "What is that?"

"Sounds like it involves cooking." Bones mused. "Culinier."

"Kolinahr" Spock corrected, not quite rolling his eyes, but close to it. "It is a ritual undertaken by Vulcans who wish to attain pure logic. I vowed to undertake this ritual as a young man, at the behest of my father, but I broke that vow when I decided to join Star Fleet."

"So that explains the grudge you two had when he came onto the Enterprise." Bones reflected.

"Vulcans do not hold grudges."

"Yeah, and I'm the Queen of the Seventh moon of Omacron"

It was Jim's turn to roll his eyes at Bones. This was a serious matter. He could lose Spock forever! "How long does this… Kolinahr take?"

"It varies. For some it takes months, others decades. It is not about the length of time, but rather simply about purging oneself of all remaining human emotions."

Jim swallowed. Now there could be no doubt that this was most definitely about last night. He didn't know what to say. Bones finally chimed in to fill the silence which, for him it seemed, was becoming very awkward. "What, you mean you _have_ human emotions? Could've fooled me."

Spock didn't answer, and neither did Jim. He was grateful when Bones took the hint.

"Well, I think Christine wanted to talk with me about… a topic for her Doctoral thesis…" He nearly tripped over himself in his haste to leave the sickbay.

Spock glanced at Jim, and then stood up to leave. Jim grabbed his arm. "Spock… are you sure this is what you want?"

Spock looked down at Jim's hand on his arm, but didn't attempt to move it or pull away. "I have always endeavoured to follow the Vulcan teachings."

"And you… can't do that here?"

Spock looked up at Jim, and then glanced back down at his hand. "Clearly not."

"Because I love you?" Jim reluctantly let go of Spock's arm.

Spock started to head for the door.

"Wait!" He wasn't sure what he was going to say, but dammit, he had to try something! He couldn't let Spock leave his life forever. "Your father's a Vulcan." he whispered carefully. "He's the one who urged you to do this Kolinahr in the first place." Spock waited, so he continued. "But he… _loves_… your mother."

A flash of darkness suddenly fell over Spock's face, and Jim wondered if he'd somehow done more harm than good. Spock made his face neutral again. "You may keep what you wish of my possessions. I will not require them during the Kolinahr." And he turned on his heels and left. Jim let him go; it was obvious that there was nothing more he could say.

~.~.~.~.~

The next six years had been a blur. As the Enterprise's second mission came to a close, the crew was a mere skeleton of what it had once been. It wasn't just Spock, other members of the crew had been promoted or moved on. Even Jim had eventually left the Enterprise and then been promoted to Admiral. But he had never moved on from Spock, never even considered it. Spock had left an aching emptiness in his heart, and even when Jim finally returned to his beloved ship, even when he had been reunited with so many members of his original crew, even when Bones, his dear friend, had protested and objected his way back onto the Enterprise, nothing could lift his spirits entirely.

And then, the impossible had happened. Spock had simply arrived unannounced as though they had never been separated, and Jim had felt a massive weight lift from his shoulders. Even when Spock had maintained all formalities, Jim couldn't find it in him to feel rejected. Spock was there, and Jim wasn't about to give him a reason for leaving again.

Then, of course, it had been one crisis after another. Business as usual. But at the end of the mission, Spock had said something that had given Jim reason to dare hope. "My task on Vulcan is completed." Someone had asked Jim for a heading, but he really couldn't have cared less where the Enterprise went now. Jim's heading was back to his own quarters, with Spock.

~.~.~.~.~

Jim could have skipped down the halls, he was so excited. He and Spock had a lot of lost time to make up for. They had a lot to talk about, but he wasn't particularly attached to the talking idea if Spock had other plans in mind. Spock had finished his shift early to meditate, which was bizarre. Spock had always been the ever efficient Vulcan officer who rarely needed rest or personal time. Melding with V'ger must have really taken a lot out of him.

As Jim approached his quarters, the doors opened automatically, and he walked in. Spock was still meditating, sitting on his mat in Jim's room – their room – his head bowed over his hands, with his index fingers held together and pointing forward. Jim leaned against the doorframe and smiled. He had kept all of Spock's things, not so much because he'd held out some hope that Spock would return, but because they had been in his quarters for so long that, wherever he had stayed for the past 6 years, it never felt like home without them. Spock's meditation mat, his candles and the traditional Vulcan ornaments and wall hangings just seemed designed to go with Jim's 18th century Earth clocks and ship models. And now that Spock was back, it truly was home again.

"Y'know," Jim drawled, basking in the joy of Spock's presence, "These are _my_ quarters."

Spock slowly moved his hands to rest palms down on the mat, then he stood up, his head still bowed. As he made his way silently to the door, his face remained obscured from Jim's view. It hadn't occurred to Jim that Spock might take him seriously, but then they hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms.

"Spock, you've been away from humans for too long. That was a joke." He shrugged "Granted, probably not a particularly good one, but-" Spock lifted his head to look at Jim, and Jim saw that he had been crying; still was in fact. Instinctively, he lifted his hand to touch Spock's face, but decided against it half way through. Jim couldn't take anything for granted about their relationship and the level of intimacy that Spock would allow. "For V'ger?" he whispered.

Jim could see that Spock's breathing was erratic, as though he was trying to contain his sobs. Spock shook his head and looked back down again. Jim's heart sank. He had no idea what was causing this overt display of emotion, but he would have given anything to take it away. He carefully put his hand on Spock's arm, and when Spock made no attempt to pull away, Jim pulled him into an embrace. Spock then began weeping in earnest, so Jim held him tighter and rocked him gently back and forth. It was the human thing to do, but Jim didn't think that there was a Vulcan way to respond to something like this. He wanted desperately to know what had upset Spock so much, but it was clear that he would have to wait a while to find out. Spock was sobbing so uncontrollably that he could barely speak.

After a long while – it could have been hours or minutes, Jim couldn't be sure – Spock finally managed to choke out "How do you do it?"

Jim pulled Spock back just enough so that he could look at him. He cupped Spock's tear-stained, blotchy green face as he asked "Do what?"

Spock sniffed as he tried to get the words out. "Live your lives with such emotions, without controlling them. I've spent my entire life controlling my emotions, so many emotions. Now they overwhelm me. How do you live like this?"

"Well…" It was a good question. He gave the only answer he could think of. "We, um… we… work through them. By talking about them… with people we care about."

Spock nodded. His eyes fell to the floor and he was silent for a few moments, clearly unsure how to proceed. Jim waited patiently while Spock gathered his thoughts. "Loneliness" he whispered. "So alone." That wasn't what Jim had expected at all. He wanted to squeeze Spock tighter and tell him that he would never be alone, that Jim would make sure of it! He bit his lip to keep from interrupting as Spock continued to list the emotions he was experiencing. "Desire. Shame. Sorrow. Despair." His eyes flicked up to meet Jim's. "And love." He looked back down at the floor again. "And… guilt." His voice caught in his throat as he continued. "And pain."

Spock leaned his head against Jim's chest, clutching at Jim's uniform as he began crying again. "Why?" Jim asked as he ran his fingers comfortingly through Spock's hair. "Spock, what's causing this pain?" He kissed Spock's forehead while he waited for an answer.

"Nothing." Spock sobbed. "And everything." He looked back at Jim, his eyes searching for a sign that he was being understood. Jim wished that he could give him that sign. "Jim… I'm not used to feeling like this. It is highly unpleasant. I don't… I don't think I can do this."

"Do what? Where are all these emotions coming from? Are you still linked with V'ger?"

Spock shook his head. "I am experiencing every emotion that I have ever suppressed in my life. My boyhood longing for the other Vulcan children to accept me as one of their own. The shame I felt when I wanted my Father to hug me. The sorrow I felt for my Mother, a human living among Vulcans. Jim, I love you." Spock's eyes begged for Jim to understand. "I do, so much. I want to feel that, please believe that I want to feel love for you Jim, but I can't… I don't know how to… I can't deal with all these other emotions." Spock's lip trembled and his eyes watered, but he forced himself to continue. "I'm so sorry. I caused you great pain when I left you. I have no desire to cause you any pain. But I… I can't…"

"Spock…" Jim whispered in shock. Many humans often assumed that Spock's Vulcan upbringing had been some kind of barrier to him living a full life rich with emotions. Jim was ashamed to count himself as one of them. He had no idea that Spock's logic and detachment were the very things that helped him get through each day. And he had given up that control for Jim, in order to feel love for him. If Spock needed to control his emotions, Jim was certainly going to do all he could to support him. "If you've changed your mind about returning to Vulcan to complete the Kolinahr, I could go with you if you'd like."

Spock looked surprised for a moment, but then shook his head. "The Kolinahr involves completely purging all emotions from the mind. I only need to control them."

Jim nodded. "What can I do to help?"

Spock looked almost confused. "Jim… it would be as it was before. I'd be unable to express my feelings for you. I couldn't ask you to…"

"Couldn't ask me to what? Couldn't ask me to help get back what we had before you left?" But that was all Jim had thought about for the past 6 years!

"A Vulcan and a Human should never be. I have grown up seeing the misery a human experiences when they love a Vulcan who cannot love them back. I would not wish that life for you."

Now it was Jim's turn to desperately need Spock to understand something. "I can't comment on what your mother went through, but… Spock, when I said I loved you, it was because _I_ needed to say it, not because I needed for you to say it back. I don't need you to smile to know when you're happy, I don't need you to cry to know that you're sad, and I don't need you to say a thing to know that you love me. Just… raise your eyebrows at me and I'll know."

Spock shook his head in amazement. "All this time, I had thought I was protecting you by leaving." Spock visibly relaxed, and Jim could see all the pain and darkness in his eyes melting away. He pulled back ever so slightly, and Jim allowed his hands to drop away from Spock, who took a deep breath and straightened his back. He gazed at Jim for a few more moments before returning to the mat. Jim watched him for a short while, wondering whether he should leave or stay. Then, Spock's eyes flicked up at him, and a single eyebrow rose very deliberately. Jim grinned, and opened his mouth intending to say 'I love you too', but instead closed it. He found that he no longer felt the need to say it.

Throughout the many years the two would spend together since that day, the word 'love' would never be uttered by either of them, and neither man would ever miss it.

~End~


End file.
